Google review is a marvellous thing, and serves such an important purpose, but I admit that I miss the old-fashioned paper questionnaires that only the proprietor would see and could dispose of fairly quickly if necessary.

I often post the good reviews and testimonies we receive on social media, but for this blog I am going to go the full monty and share  some of the comments, complaints and suggestions I have received over the past few years.

Let’s set the tone with fat-shaming. I once had a guest who was utterly enormous. I do not think she has ever skipped a meal and when she announced on the internet for all to see that our Queen-sized beds were too small, I had to sit on my hands and force myself to not respond with a comment of my own.

We also once received a complaint, not from the same plus size lady, that our laundry staff had shrunk her clothing. The truth was that she ate huge quantities of food and snacked throughout the day. The problem was in her appetite rather than with our washing machine.

People easily complain about food, but when we received a comment that a gentleman was disappointed that our fruit basked in the room did not contain hamburgers and chips, I was rather dumbfounded.

One guest checked out in a huff because she could smell bacon in the mornings in the dining room, while another checked out because I did not serve fish for breakfast.

There are often comments like this: ‘We were unable to swim’. This was however because it was hailing and there was lightning. I can provide a sparkling blue pool, but do not have too much control over the weather.

One guest put it out to the world to see that he was disappointed that we did not have a swimming pool!I kid you not. How did he miss our massive pool, smack bam in the middle of the property?

Another guest complained that the Feng shui dragon could not drink from my pool (the same pool that recently did not exist). This guest requested we move the pool before his next visit. He also felt that his energy was sucked right out of the marrow of his bones because our drains were on the wrong side of the lodge. This depleted his aura and he was exhausted because of it. He also informed me that I should change the slant of my driveway as this was sure to improve my cashflow. His suggestions did not stop there. His interior decorating tip to me was to move the mirrors in the rooms. Apparently if a mirror faces a bed, it invites other people into the relationships  of those who share it. So, by my ignorant placing of the mirrors, I was breaking up marriages left right and centre. In the comment section I politely thanked him for his valuable suggestions. In my heart, I told him to go fly a kite and go and build his own lodge where his darn thirsty dragon can drink and his aura and marriage can stay in tact.

People have mentioned that I am biased as there are Gideon Bibles in our rooms but not Islamic prayer mats.

One guy said he liked everything but my ceilings were aggressive.

One person was upset that we were not able to supply a lady of the night for him and another was furious as we had no adult movies he could watch.

I was also accused of not employing any Asian people and one guest commented that in the night he could hear me beat my staff!

I love complaints like this: “The room was too cold”. These are usually sent into the cyber world despite the fact that the guest was informed that we have underfloor heating, an air conditioner that blows hot and cold, plus spare blankets in the cupboards and electric blankets on the beds.

Guests also love to accuse us of theft. We were once accused of stealing a gentleman from Mumbai’s R12 comb despite the fact that he had various phones and tablets which were worth much more (R12 comb was later found under his bed).  

The worst was when a lady posted a picture of a huge rat which she said kept her awake the whole night. It was later established that the picture of the rat was from the National Geographic and all she wanted was a discount to remove the post.