There are some conversations we don’t want to have. Honestly, in our line of work we have many conversations no one wants to have. It is hard to talk about suffering. It is hard to speak truth around death. It is hard to find the right things to say about grief, but we need to have these conversations despite how hard or uncomfortable they may be, because sometimes, our silence causes more damage than the truth ever could.
So, today I will write about another thing that is hard for me to do. Like all of you, I’m angry about the Cornell Seven story, but, like you, I’m sure, I am not at all surprised. My hope is that, if we keep talking, if we all keep telling the stories, putting our hands up for the me-too-movements and keep pushing back, something will start changing eventually. Somehow, one day, I hope there will never be another Cornell Seven story.
Listening to conversations about the young, wealthy men that raped Jane Doe and the young, wealthy men that allowed it on their watch, their age and hormones were sometimes alluded too as an excuse, but today, I want to let you know, that many men carry on with this kind of behaviour right until the end.
Right until the very end.
Let. This. Sink. In.
Over the past year, we have had to remove three men from our lodges during their end-of-life journeys because of sexual harassment and assault.
Men like the Cornell Seven do not change, they just keep getting away with it. And they do it for the rest of their lives.
Let’s give our one offenders the name, Pete. He was an old man, who came to us for care after being discharged from hospital. He had cancer and probably had a few months to live. He was divorced and had three daughters in their 40’s.
On arrival he was a bit confused and would take his clothes off at inappropriate times. This is not unusual, as older people often react to pain medication by being confused and changing their environments can also cause disorientation, but, we soon realised he was not flustered about anything else.
After a therapy session, the young physio came to see me and said that Pete had an erection and she felt sorry for him as he must have been very embarrassed. After the next session, she came to me and told me that it happened again, and we decided that a male physio would be more appropriate, but this is not where it ended. Pete started getting more and more inappropriate each time a carer would bath him by touching himself and later, even ejaculating during a bed bath. He asked the carers to apply pressure to his penis as he claimed it relieved pain from a UTI. He was not confused or in pain. He was simply perverted. When we realized how calculated he was, I immediately phoned his daughter to tell her she needed to find a new facility for him and remove him in the next 12 hours. She was shocked, but she did come right away.
It was awful as she insisted I tell her why we would not allow him to stay here. I told her he was inappropriate with my staff, and she assumed he made inappropriate comments, but I closed my office door, looked her in the eye and told her what really happened. She burst out crying. I wonder for how long the women in his family had been spared the truth about what Pete really is. How many people had lived alongside his behaviour without knowing its full extent. How often had it been minimized, excused and tolerated?
I’ve been repulsed and taken aback, with each of the three cases we’ve had to deal with. They all managed to manipulate and gaslight. They were so experienced in what they did, and so used to getting away with it. They managed to use everything they could to their own benefit. They exploited the care and the tenderness that carers give during patients’ most vulnerable moments, and they used it to take advantage of them. They pretended to be confused, while in fact, they knew exactly what they were. They knew that in South Africa, it is hard to find employment and that our newer carers would be less likely to report them as they are desperate for work. They knew that in South Africa, people seldom believe women, and that it is unlikely that the carers would be believed. They also knew that there is a belief among women in this country, rife with GBV, that if there is no penetration, it is not sexual abuse. They shamelessly used everything they could to get what they wanted.
In another case, where the patient behaved very similarly, his wife was not surprised at all when we explained why we would not care for her husband further. She had been married to him for decades. How many times did she allow him to carry out his perversion. How many lives had he ruined, while she chose to look away?
But my anger keeps on growing. When I have spoken to other men about what happened their reaction has too often been one of amusement rather than horror or disgust. In fact, most men joke about it by saying, “Isn’t it impressive that he still gets hard?” or “I hope I can get it up at that age.” It is almost as if Pete and the other perverts should be congratulated. And no men have ever asked if the carers are okay. Is this so different to the Chi-Phi-actives group chat members who ignored what was happening to Jane Doe? Abuse does not only depend on the person committing it. It depends on the people who minimize it, ignore it, laugh it off or just decide it is not their problem.
So let me answer you about whether the carers are okay. They are, because we believed them. They received, and continue to receive, therapy. They know we have a zero tolerance policy for any sexual abuse and we enforce it vigorously. We immediately remove the patient and, if the carer wants to, we will press charges. We will keep saying what is hard to say, because silence always protects the wrong people.
Our wonderful carers who wash, feed and comfort strangers at the most defenceless point of their lives, deserve to do this important work without being scared. We all deserve to be able to carry on loving our patients without being taken advantage of. Our carers deserve to be protected and believed. They should never have to pay with their dignity while they are protecting others.
I did not write this blog to shock you or get on the bandwagon of the Cornell Seven story. I wrote it so people may understand that sexual abuse does not retire, and predators do not become harmless because they are dying, they just adapt and do it differently.
We need to not allow this. Ever.